


Phoenix

by Fanningon



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 19:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1523609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanningon/pseuds/Fanningon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breaking Rae and Finn down, and then rebuilding them from the ashes. This was one of my favourite ones to write.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phoenix

_Mondays are always hard._

_After the weekend, no one wants to go to school._

Rae looked around for a moment before lowering her eyes again. She'd prefer to not look at anyone anyway.

_I didn't mind being seen holding his hand._

_No one stares at us._

_I didn't feel much holding his hand._

_I suppose I should be grateful for having a boyfriend at all. But I just don't care._

_When we fuck, it feels like… No. No, I really don't think about that much._

_He says things. All the time._

_This morning he made me change me shirt cos it were too tight._

_He's always looking out for me. Helping me hide what I am._

_I suppose that's a pretty good sign that he really cares about me._

_There was just one thing I dreaded, every morning we got to school._

_The look on Archie's face._

_Izzy had accepted it pretty quickly – she's like that. I mean she still gave me looks sometimes, but she's a good mate._

_And Chloe didn't know cos she were still in hospital with Kester looking after her._

_And Chop didn't really hang around with us no more cos of him and Izzy breaking up._

_But Archie… Well here he is now, looking like a cat dragged its arse up his face._

_I wonder if he fancies Liam and that why he don't like seeing us together like this?_

"I don't know why you're going out with him Rae."

"He just gets me Archie."

Archie's pursed his lips and stared off into the distance.

_I know he wanted to say more, but he always stopped himself when we was talking about Liam._

"I'm going to Leeds not this weekend but next to see Finn. His uncle will be out of town so the whole gang could go and we could sleep there."

"No. I don't think I'll go."

"Gotta spend time with Liam?"

"Yeah. It's just better that way Arch."

Archie's shoulders slumped slightly and he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"I'd really like for you to go." He knew he was wasting his breath. But he had to try.

Rae didn't even reply.

"Don't it make you sad Rae?"

"What?"

"All the good stuff dying."

"Well it's winter Archie. That's what happens in winter."

The bell rung. Rae grinned at him and kissed his cheek before taking herself off to class. Archie watched her walk away.

Izzy rushed up from the car park, doing up her jacket.

"How late am I?"

"The fuck is Rae wearing? It's at least 10 sizes too big for her."

Izzy looked after Rae and cocked her head to the side considering.

"No, I think it's about 2, maybe 3 sizes too big."

She looked up at Archie. He looked so concerned. She wrapped her arm around his.

"Come on."

_We never really talked to each other at school. After the morning bell we just parted for the day, and after school I'd head to his house._

_We'd kinda gotten into a routine._

"She's nice, don't you think?"

"Yeah."

_We'd watch porn. And then we'd fuck._

_And then he'd wanna hang out for a bit, and I'd make an excuse to go home._

"I like her tits."

"I think they're fake."

"Don't matter, do it?"

"Nope."

"Did you hear about that surgery that you can have, like, they tie up your stomach or cut it out or something, so you can't eat? Make you real skinny. My mum wanted to get it but Karim won't let her."

"You want it?"

"Yeah, but I doubt they'd let me."

"It's your body."

_He never looked away from porno when it were on._

"Yeah but not my money."

"Well get a job. Then they can't stop you."

_When we fuck it feels like bingeing._

_He closes the curtains, turns the lights off, or if he feels like leaving the porno on, we leave our clothes on._

_We kiss a lot. He likes that. And sometimes I think he'd like for us to do more things together. But when I'm with him it's like cutting, like blistering my skin with boiling shower water. And there's only so much I can handle. But I'm getting stronger; I can take much more of it now, and numbness spreads through me in the morning very quickly and easily now._

_Night's the worst. That's the time I can't stop him coming into my head, no matter how hard I try. I just see him, everything we were and now are. And I cry. And I can't stop myself from crying unless I cut._

_Some nights, when I think I really deserve to suffer for what I've done, I just let him stay in my head all night._

_Some nights I just can't take it, and I get up and cut right away. It hurts far less and it helps everything fade and numbness comes._

_Tonight, I think I'll let him stay in my head._

_I can almost feel his weight beside me in my bed._

_A bed I'll never let Liam in. Because this is where he laid._

_But I don't let myself think like that too often._

_It's bad enough just remembering. If I let myself feel what I feel for him…_

_No. No. I keep those feelings packed up tightly in tiny little box in the corner of my soul; never to be released._

_I'm not built for love. I'm built for Liam._

"Do you think I should get my stomach cut out?"

"Why?" Izzy's voice betrayed her shock.

Archie felt sick inside. Rae was slipping, he was losing her. He and Chloe had talked about the possibility of her getting sick again and how they had to stop it. But he was lost. He didn't know how to stop this.

"So I could be skinny like you Izzy."

"There's nothing wrong with your body." Archie hadn't meant for his voice to be as loud or forceful as it was. Rae and Izzy stared at him in surprise.

"Alright Archie." Her voice was dismissive of him; as if what he had said was a joke.

"No. I'm not alright." He clenched his fists in his pockets. Izzy looked at him with concern, her body tilted toward him. She reached out and put hard hand on his arm.

"Arch?"

But Rae turned her head away, Archie glared at her for a while before turning and walking away angrily.

Izzy looked at Rae, and then at Archie, torn as to who to comfort first. She tried to square her shoulders and turned to Rae.

"Archie's right, there's nothing wrong with your body."

"But there is. Look at me Iz. My own boyfriend won't-"

_But I couldn't say it out loud. That'd make it too real._

"You better go after Archie, I'm fine. Tell him I'm sorry, yeah?"

Izzy didn't look happy, but she nodded, her shoulders slumping as she turned away.

_Archie were right. Everything were dying._

_The baby cries a lot._

_I hate the sound of a baby crying._

_I don't really have anywhere to go. I tell mum that I'm going to Chloe's. But she's still in the hospital. But I just walk._

_I try not to. But I always end up walking past his house. All I hear is the way his voice sounded that night as he called after me._

_What I have done wrong?_

_How could he think that he could ever do something wrong?_

_The way my name sounded on his lips when I broke up with him._

_I can't get my head around the idea that I might have actually hurt him. I keep thinking that he's better off without me. And I suppose that gives me comfort._

_I never know how I get here. But I always end up on these fucking swings._

_It's weird how muted the world is. Colours don't seem as bright as I remember them being._

_I think I must've imagined red and green and blue being so much more than they actually are. Maybe nothing was as I had thought it was and I just imagined all the happy moments in my life?_

"Chlo."

_I hated seeing her like this._

"Rae!"

_But she always seemed so happy to see me._

Chloe sat up in bed and moved around all of her tubes. Her thin frame and pale face were overshadowed by how she beamed at Rae.

"They start force feeding you again?"

Chloe looked at the tubes and nodded.

"I'm not meaning to do it Rae, I'm just not hungry. I try to be."

"I know."

_I was always trying to not be hungry._

_I understood what it was to try so hard and still fail._

Rae hugged Chloe and got into the bed with her, leaning back on the pillows and tilted up bed. They linked arms and stared at the blank hospital wall.

"Kester says I need to feel as though I deserve food."

"Sounds like something he'd say."

"Yeah. What sort of stuff does he say to you?"

_I hadn't told anyone that I weren't seeing Kester anymore. Not since he'd yelled at Liam. I had wanted to go back, but Liam were dead against it so I didn't._

_I stopped taking my pills too._

_No more fucking therapy. No more pills. Just me._

"Same sort of stuff really."

They sat in silence for a while. Rae could feel that Chloe was tense.

"Want me to sneak you in a pint?" The joke fell dead in the silent room.

"I know you're not seeing him no more Rae."

"How could you know that?"

"Cos every session he asks me if you've come to me, and if I say yes, he asks me how you are."

_There were no point denying it. Chloe always knew when I lied anyway._

"S'pose you're gonna ask why I'm not going."

"No I know why you're not going."

Rae turned sharply to Chloe, who smiled enigmatically.

"You don't think you're the only one of the gang to come visit me, do you?"

"What and they just talk about me when they're here? That's crap that is! You're in here, like this… you could die Chloe, why are they bringing my shit to you?"

"I'm not gonna die Rae. Not in here. I'm safe in here."

"Tix died in here."

"Rae look at me. I'm not Tix! I'm not trying to control what I eat or worried about calories or exercise. When they tell me to eat that foul tasting drink with a billion calories in it – I fucking do. Cos I don't want to die. I'm just not hungry and I don't know why."

"How do you know about Tix?"

"They re-admitted Danny. He told me about her. Don't cry, I'm sorry Rae!"

_I hadn't even realised that I were crying._

"When did they re-admit Danny?"

"Two weeks ago."

"Is he ok?"

"You should go see him. There's still a spot in group."

"No I can't. And why are we even talking about all this shite. We should be talking about you."

"We're talking about it cos I want to. In therapy all I talk about is me. But I care about the gang, I want to know everything that's happening. Even the bad stuff."

"Right, and I'm the bad stuff?"

"Yeah, right now you are."

"I can't do this Chlo." Rae started to get up but Chloe laid a hand across her arm.

"Please don't go Rae, I get real lonely. I miss the gang, but I miss you most. We can talk about something else."

_I stayed._

_An intense buzzing has begun in my ears. The volume is real low, so I can still hear people and what-not, but it's always there in the background. If I try to tune into it, it's like white noise._

_Finally it's Friday._

_Archie never showed up to school today. And izzy asked me to go see Clo today with her, but I were there yester and I didn't feel like she'd want to see me again so soon._

_He asks me to come over on the weekend, but I lie and tell him I'm grounded._

_This buzzing won't stop._

_I think it's getting louder._

_I feel like I'm going mad._

_Well, madder than I already am._

_I'll just put some music on._

_That'll help. I haven't listened to a lot of music lately._

_Don't know why._

Rae pressed the play button on her cassette player, deciding to play whatever was already in the machine.

_That's a lie. I do know why._

'Wonderwall' by Oasis was playing. This was a mix tape that Finn had done for her.

She almost collapsed back onto her bed.

_That sound. I can't get rid of that sound. It's in my skull._

_It's so loud I can't barely hear myself think. It's so loud that I…_

There was nothing in her head but the sound of that white noise. Nothing in her ears but that song.

She stumbled from her room, from the house, barely conscious of what she was doing, her head down, bent over, her hands clasping her ears.

Her mind was screaming thoughts at her, but she couldn't hear them over the shrill screeching buzz.

She started to run.

_It were silent._

_It were bliss._

He looked at her cautiously. She had come bursting in, just as he was preparing to leave for the day. Friday nights were always late ones, but this Friday he had decided to leave early to surprise his girlfriend.

Had he moved his arse like he had intended to and left as early as he originally planned, he would have missed this.

Kester crossed his legs and laid his hands on his knee carefully. And continued to watch her. She hadn't said a word. Just run into the room, gasping for air, collapsed into her chair and was now silently crying, staring back at him.

He'd wait as long as he had to.

_I thought about leaving. But every time I even looked at the door the buzzing would start in the back of my mind again. So instead I started to stare back at him._

_Say something._

_Go on Kester. Say something to me. I dare you._

"Are you gonna say something?" Her eyes flashed with anger, but her body was slumped, defeated. Kester didn't even open his mouth, he just kept watching her.

"Right, well if I'm not welcome, I'll just go." She looked at the door, and Kester noticed her flinch, a look of physical pain covered her body and she looked away from the door.

But she couldn't bring herself to go out there. It was quiet in here.

"I feel like I'm in a deep pit. And there's no light. But there's noise and it's so bright and so loud it deafens me. Blinds me too."

"When did you first notice this pit?"

_Today._

_When he left._

_When I broke up with him._

_When I first wanted him and knew I couldn't have him._

_When I were in hospital._

_When I started cutting._

"When I first realised I were fat."

"And when was that?"

"When I were about 11. My mum got real upset in this shop cos I wouldn't fit any of the children's sizes anymore. And the women's clothes cost more. I were so embarrassed. And everyone were looking at me. I knew I were different. And I heard this whisper. And it were like some ancient voice, felt dry and raspy and the sound entered my ear like a wisp of smoke… 'come down here with us. You're better off hiding here down here…. Better dying down here with us.' And I figured out, it were a part of my brain dying, and telling me that it would less painful if I just died too."

"What part of your brain?"

"The part of me that had any hope that I were worth something. That I deserve happiness or love. The part of me that thought I were brilliant and pretty and likeable. I guess it were the child in me dying."

"There are adults who feel worth something and like they deserve-"

"Yeah but the last time I felt that way I were a child."

"And you feel that you never learned to feel that way as a teenager as an adult?"

"I don't know if I can. Not unless I stop being fat."

"Rae, life will not stop and wait for you to be a size that you deem appropriate for you to then be worthy of happiness. You've watched your mother diet all her life. And my experience, and the research suggests that trying to lose weight isn't something that works, it's not-"

"Don't say that. I gotta have some hope!"

"I thought you already had none?"

"But if I climb out of the pit. By getting skinny somehow… then I can have-"

_Finn._

"The life I want. That's my hope."

Kester shifted in his seat and crossed him arms. He lowered his head slightly and fixed on her with his gaze.

"But you already have a life, friends that love you. You had a boyfriend that you seemed to care very deeply for."

"It's all died."

"Has it?"

He watched the way she clenched her hands together between her knees and stared at the floor.

"What made it die?"

"Me."

"How?"

"By fucking up."

"And what made you fuck up?"

"Aren't you supposed to tell me I didn't fuckup, or ask me why I think it was me that fucked up or something?"

"Probably. But let's just say I believe you. And it's all your fault. You totally fucked up. What made you fuck up?"

"I dunno."

"Well let's start with Finn."

"No."

"Why not?"

_I hadn't said his name or even thought his name for weeks, not until today. I had tried to pretend he never existed. It was all I could do to keep breathing._

"I fucked up with…"

_But I couldn't say his name._

"…him… because I'm fat. If I were skinny, none of it would have happened like it did."

"Perhaps if you were skinny the relationship would have never happened? If you were skinny, you would have been a different person. And Finn may not have liked you. I don't think you fucked up because you're fat Rae."

She stood up, looking at the door. Kester leaned forward, his mouth open, ready to say something to get her to stay. But she turned to walk to the window.

"This is why I stopped coming to you. You think you know everything."

He grunted bemusedly and leaned back in his chair. She watched the outside world for a while.

"Alright then, tell me why I fucked up."

"It's not about you being fat. It's about how you feel about being fat, how you react to your fat body."

_Wait._

_Oh shit._

_This is like one of those sodding cryptic cross puzzle things that you had to really think about to get the answer._

_I'm too tired for this shite._

"If it were about you being fat, you would have never had friends, or a boyfriend, you would have been alone."

"Because no one wants to be around a fat bitch."

"But's it not about your body Rae, it's about your mind."

"So I lost everything cos I'm mad."

"Have you really lost everything?"

"Yeah. I've got no one now. Except for me."

"So that's why today I've had 3 people talk to me about how worried they are about you."  _He said it like a magician pulling a sodding card out of his arse. Like he'd known all along that it would get to this point and he could prove me wrong._

"Who the hell is talking to you about me?"

"You know I can't tell you that."

"Well what did you tell them about me?"

"Nothing. I'm not allowed to do that either. But they talked about you."

"Is one of those 3 people me?"

"Rae."

"And Liam and Chloe. No Liam wouldn't talk to you."

Kester lowered his eyes and thought bitterly for a moment about the problems Liam presented and how much he'd fucked up.

"I can't tell you Rae."

"Then you're making it up."

"Rae."

"Why do you hate Liam so much?"

"I don't."

"But you yelled at him."

"Yes. And that was wrong. A therapist shouldn't yell at their patients."

"So why did you."

Rae sat down and stared intently at him.

"Because I'd let you down."

Kester's eyes reddened but he looked away and kept it together. Rae watched him for a moment before looking at the door. It still buzzed when she thought of leaving.

"You just wanted to have your own life, I guess."

"It's not nice being alone." He agreed as an explanation, "but I am sorry Rae."

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure your girlfriend's waiting for you now. You should go."

"I've got all night."

"No, I don't want to ruin your life too. Go on. You can go."

"Have you thought about how your relationship with your body makes you make poor decisions?" Kester ignored her words completely and pressed on.

"Relationship with my body? Don't be daft. No one has a relationship with their own body!"

"Think of all the things your body does for you. Breathes and blinks and walks around. How wonderful is your body, that it can do all of that? What would life be like if your body couldn't breathe? Or you had to consciously tell yourself how to walk – how to take every single step?"

"Yeah but all that stuff is different to how it looks."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful that your body is magnificent, regardless of how it looks?"

"I s'pose. But…"

"You want to feel beautiful."

Rae lowered her eyes feeling somehow embarrassed, as if it were shallow thing to want given the other stuff her body did.

"Of course you do. Most people do. When was the last time you felt beautiful."

"Never."

"When did you get closest to feeling beautiful?"

_Finn._

_The way he looked at me._

_No Rae. Don't._

_You can't say his name._

_He left._

_If you say his name, it makes it real._

_It makes this thing that's happening with Liam real._

_Don't say it._

"When he was my boyfriend, he'd look at me, and I could almost believe it."

"You mean Finn."

Rae swallowed hard, her fingers fidgeted with the hem of her sleeve. She turned her sorrow-filled face away from him. But Kester could see the grief written into every line of her being.

"Can you say his name?" She shook her head. Keeping her face away from him. Her hands crept up to her ears and covered them. Kester got up and knelt in front of her.

"Rae, what's wrong?"

"It's the buzzing in me ears. Being here, it were quiet at first, but now it's coming back."

"Listen to it."

"No I can't, it's too loud!"

"I know it's hard. But when things distress us, we must learn to just sit with that emotion for a moment."

_Sit with it._

_Sit with it._

_Sit with it._

_Finn._

_Sit with it._

_It was all Finn._

_Sit with it._

_It was every thought she'd even had about him._

_Sit with it._

_Every moment shared._

_Every look given._

_All the self-hatred and how it had destroyed it all._

_Every emotion._

_Sit with it._

"I feel like my whole body will break in half."

_The buzzing noise in the back of her head was Finn. And he wold stay repressed no more._

"Well maybe you should stop thinking about this and we can-"

"It's Finn. I try to stop thinking about him and I can't. It's so stupid and fucked up."

"Can you tell me-"

"No."

"Ok. Well how can you fix it?"

"I can't. He's in Leeds. I'll never find him."

Kester gave an odd nod and returned to his chair. He sat down and stared at the wall for a moment. Considering.

"So you don't know anyone that might know his address?"

"I guess his dad."

"So maybe-"

"But what about Liam?"

"Are you and Liam-"

"I can't just abandon him."

"Rae. Let me ask you something, and you must answer me honestly. Are you happy right now?"

"No."

_It felt crushing to admit it._

_But at the same time, I felt lighter._

"Then you must do something to fix that."

"I have to talk to Liam."

"He's here. He was admitted a few hours ago. I'm sure I shouldn't have told you that, or this. But it seems as though Liam decided to… defecate on the front steps to the police station."

"Why would he do that?"

"Mania. Probably."

Rae nodded as if she understood that.

"Can I see him?"

_I thought it were gonna be hard dumping Liam. But it were actually pretty easy. I just told him we shouldn't see each other that way anymore and he laughed and said that was fine, he had millions of other girls._

_I'd seen Liam in many different ways, but never like this._

_It were like when he stole that copper's hat, but more._

_Like stealing the copper's hat were a candle, and this was a fucking sun._

_Although, he did make me laugh and have a bit of a dance with him in his room before letting me go. I think I prefer Liam like this. Although shitting in public is a bit off, really._

_Kester said he'd be alright; he was just off his pills._

_So I told him I were off my pills and we agreed I'd come in and talk about that on Monday._

_The buzzing were gone. But me head felt fragile, like it might break, and I knew it could come back if I didn't fix this Finn thing._

_I weren't sure what I should or even could do, and I knew the outcome was probably gonna be shite, but the only way to make that fucking buzz go away was to talk to Finn._

Rae stepped out of the hospital and stopped in her tracks. It was raining, absolutely pouring. But the whole world looked a little brighter, as if the rain were washing away a thick layer of dust. She looked down at her red flanny and saw that the red was much brighter than she remembered.

She walked out into the rain and looked up at the sky.

_It were nice, felt like I was getting bright, like the red on my jacket. Like the rain would make my colours bright again, just like it had the rest of the place._

_It were coming down so hard that it felt like it were leaving bruises on my face._

_Fuck that's cold._

_Oh ok, I need to get home now. I'm soaked._

_"The fuck are you doing Rae?"_

It was Chop, jacket collar flipped up against the rain looking mighty put out.

"Chop! I'm just enjoying the rain!"

"Alright. Well, I been looking for you."

"Thanks for the lift Chop. But where are we going?"

"Camping."

"Camping?"

"Archie organised it."

"Archie hates camping."

"Don't ask me, he just sent me to find you and told me to take you straight there."

"Can I go home and get changed, I'm soaking."

"Nope."

"I've got to tell me mum Chop."

"Archie did it already."

"Oh bloody hell. What is he up to?"

"I don't know. I just got told-"

"To come and get me. Yeah. Is there nothing you can tell me?"

"Archie planned a camping trip. Even got the fucking tents instead of leaving it to me for a change."

"Really?"

"I don't fucking know, he just didn't ask me so…" Chop shrugged and kept driving. Rae looked around the car. It was a nice car, sporty, with no back seat.

"Why'd you get a sports car Chop?"

"It's me dad's"

Rae looked at the speedometer and then back to Chop. He was an aggressive and impatient driver in a high performance car that could do well over the speed limit with ease. Rae felt her fingers dig into the car seat and wished Archie had come to get her instead of Chop.

_Oh Shit._

_I'm gonna die._

_I really really don't want to die._

She woke up with a start. Chop had slammed the driver's door and was going to meet another car. Rae got out and stretched. She was really cold and stiff after falling asleep in the car wet. It was still raining gently and she looked up into the rain again before turning to join Chop.

She froze.

Chop was arguing softly with Archie, hoping that no one would notice, while Izzy looked on, clearly hurt. And standing apart from them was Finn, looking shocked at this whole scenario and staring at her. As soon as she looked at him he lowered his eyes.

"Rae, get your arse over here, Uncle Archie's got something to say."

_I had no choice but to go over there, it's not like I could just go back to the car and sulk like a child…_

_Wait that seems really tempting._

Rae traipsed over to Archie, giving him a murderous look the whole way.

"So Chloe and I had a bit of a chat. She's sorry couldn't be here. But she made me promise to take a photo of you 4 for her." He whipped out his camera and took a photo of 4 very unimpressed people glaring at him.

"So here's the plan." He turned to Rae and Finn and handed Finn a key. "Rae, I don't think you looked over there." He nodded in the direction of behind Chop's car and Rae turned around. Her jaw dropped. She turned back to Finn, who shook his head in explanation – he wasn't in cahoots with Archie on this one.

"That Rachel and Finnley, is the caravan Finn hired for you two to have sex in for the first time."

"Yes. Yes it is Archie. And you're about to be dead soon." Rae answered, but Finn lowered his eyes and bit his lip.

"Chloe and I were trying to pinpoint the moment that everything started to go downhill for you two, and we reckon it was during camping." He turned to look at Finn, "I don't know what you did wrong in there mate, but here's a chance, you two, to fix it." He turned away and looked at Chop and Izzy "Chop, you'll have to take Izzy back to Stamford in your dad's car, there's no room in mine. I'll be back Sunday lunch time for you two." He said to Rae and Finn.

And he walked away. He didn't listen to their protests, he simply got into his 5 seater car and left.

"That bastard." Rae watched him leave. She was freezing, she had no dry clothes, and she was starving too. She could feel the warmth emanating from Finn but she knew she couldn't step closer so instead wrapped her arms around herself.

"You look real cold Rae, there's a heater in the van, come on." Finn said softly.

"Wait, we're not gonna just do what Archie wants us to are we?" Chop asked.

"I don't know, but Rae needs a heater Chop." Finn answered decisively. "Come on." He nodded for her to follow him to the van, she sighed and turned to Chop.

"Do not leave without me Chop." She said forcefully. He nodded in reply, and she turned and trudged after Finn over the wet field.

When they got to the van Finn put the lock in the door and looked up at Rae. There was so much emotion on his face that Rae had to look away. He opened the door and motioned for her to go in first.

Once inside he took the heater out of the cupboard. And plugged it in.

"It'll just take a minute to warm up."

And then they heard the unmistakeable sound of car doors.

Chop and Izzy watched them go into the caravan.

"We should leave them." Izzy suddenly said.

"What?"

"I know you hate me Chop. I understand why, but we should at least put aside our stuff, so we can give them a chance of sorting it out."

Chop looked back over to the caravan Finn was just opening the door now.

"You're right." He walked to the car and opened the passenger side door for her. She smiled wanly and got in, not closing the door, so as to not alert Finn and Rae. Chop got into the driver's side.

"I don't hate you Izzy." He said softly. "Ok, on three. One, two, three." They slammed their car doors simultaneously, and as they had both expected, Finn's head, followed by Rae's, appeared out of the door of the caravan. They drove off without looking back.

Thunder cracked and the rain started to belt down as the car pulled away from them.

"Right then." Finn said as they watched Chop and Izzy drive away. "When the rain clears I can try walking back to Stamford." He said without looking at her. He opened a few cupboards. There's some food. No alcohol though.

"Archie is fucking evil. All this time spent with him and I had no idea." Rae said in an awestruck voice that made Finn sentimental for their past. Rae looked back out the door before reaching out and closing it.

The rain was loud on the roof and the food that Finn had started cooking smelled great.

"I think we're stuck here for at least tonight."

"Yeah. I'm sorry. Get in front of the heater."

"Why are you sorry? It weren't you it were fucking Archie."

Finn smiled with no humour as he watched the frying bacon too closely.

"I know you mustn't want to spend all that much time with me, so I'm sorry." He shrugged and stabbed at the bacon with the tongs. Rae sighed, not knowing what to say to him, and looked around the caravan. Only one bed. And no spare blankets or cushioning to make the floor any less hard. Archie had removed the roll out single bed that had been in here last time. They'd found it by accident while drunkenly exploring.

"Evil bastard." She muttered to herself. Although, that much attention to detail, may well have been Chloe's doing. She tried to dry her clothes, but they really needed to be taken off and strung up around the place.

Finn brought her the bacon sandwich he'd made for her on a plate with a glass of coke. And sat down on the bed next to her.

"He took the spare bed out." Finn noticed.

"Yeah I think our son wants his parents to get back together." Rae said. Finn laughed and Rae started to laugh too.

Finn took a deep breath and tapped the floor with his foot – it was hard, he didn't know what he was expecting, of course it was hard. He put on his best stoic face;

"I'll sleep on the floor then."

"Don't be daft Finn, the bed's big enough for both of us." She stopped mid reassuring-smile and stammered, "I mean, if you're not too uncomfortable with that."

"No. No of course not." He answered and looked at everything but Rae.

"Eat up."

"Oh yes. Thank you. Are you not eating?"

"Not hungry." Finn tried to grin but instead grimaced. He sat back on the bed a little and cleared his throat. His stomach was rumbling, but he thought if he ate he might be sick. Rae stayed sitting forward and took a bite of the sandwich.

"Hmmm this is really good, thanks." From his position, slightly behind her, he could look at her, but she couldn't see him without turning around or leaning back herself. He watched Rae eat, her hair wet and curly still dripping a little, her oversized shirt sticking to her back, the outline of her bra visible. The smooth texture of the skin on her cheeks. The way he mouth moved as she ate. He was enthralled. When she finished and got up to put the plate in the sink. He noticed that the bed was wet where she had sat.

"Your clothes will never dry if they're on you Rae." He said concerned.

"Yeah but there's nothing I can do about it."

"You might get sick if you stay in them all night. How about you take the blanket and wrap it about yourself and get out of them and we'll hang them above the heater so they're good to go in a few hours?"

_Get naked. In front of Finn_

_I don't bloody think so._

"I can turn around. Or wait outside. I'll wait outside ok?" He started to open the door but Rae stopped him.

"No then you'll get wet and we'll both have to hang about naked!"

"Oh right." His shoulders slumped a little and he closed the door.

"Although I am a little wet already." He mumbled. "It was raining when we got here."

"Really gently." Rae answered, teasing.

"Don't mean I'm not wet."

"Do you just want to get naked Finnley?"

"If it would make you more comfortable, so you'd get out of your wet gear and not get sick, then I'd run outside for an hour in nought but me skin."

"You don't need to do that."

"What if, I threaten to stand outside until you get your kit off?"

"Finn leave off!"

"You need to get dry Rae. Please. I swear I won't look. Rae, I'm worried about you is all."

"Fine. Ok!" She stood up and took the bigger blanket from the bed, making Finn roll over and drag it out from under him.

"Ok I'll close my eyes." He said and did so.

"No Finn, you'll the other blanket over your head and turn the other way AND close our eyes."

"I'm not gonna look Rae. As much as I'd still love to see your naked body, I wouldn't look if you don't want me too. You don't have to worry."

There was a silence in which their eyes met and Finn's face went from bemused to suddenly realising what he'd said.

"Oh fuck Rae, I'm sorry." He looked slightly panicked. "I'll just go outside. I'll sleep outside. Maybe I'll just walk back to Stamford and get me dad's car now." He stood up and instantly realised it was a mistake when Rae's eyes dropped to a bulge in his pants. He dropped back onto the bed.

"Fuck." His body tensed up and his face started to crimson. He looked down at the floor near Rae's feet, "I'm sorry Rae. I promise you, you don't have to worry. In a minute or two, I'll be able to go outside without… embarrassing myself." He put his hand up to his mouth, the thumb nail just grazing his lips and teeth; a familiar gesture. But instead of sexy and reassured, the action was one of nervousness this time. She watched where his eyes were as she slowly unbuttoned her massive shirt.

_Why the hell are my clothes so big on me? I have to get some clothes that fit._

She thought back to Liam's preoccupation with her clothing being lose and realised that she had been held hostage by him, in so many ways, particularly mentally and emotionally, for months.

Finn's eyes didn't move from the space around her feet as she took the shirt off, leaving her in a white singlet and white bra underneath. She looked down at herself. Yep. See-through. Her nipples practically poked a hole through the material and it didn't help that her thicker singlets hadn't been washed yet so she'd worn the thinner singlet, thinner bra combination today. Carefully watching Finn's eyes, she opened the wardrobe and found a few spare coat hangers. She hung her shirt up near the heater and bent to take her shoes off.

Finn hadn't realised that she was undressing. He had lowered his eyes and felt his face burning with shame and heard the blood rushing through his ears. He'd watched her feet, waiting for her to speak. To tell him that he had to let go, there was no hope of them getting back together, stop thinking about me naked you pervert. She had said nothing. And then she was bent over, her bare arms in view, he looked up slightly to see her back, the white singlet clinging to her. Her head was near his knees, and he could have reached out and touched her hair. Instead he sat on his hands and tried not to watch her body move as she undid her shoes. She stood and as her body moved through his line of vision he could have sworn he saw the darker skin of her nipples through her bra and singlet. He felt his inside shudder in exhilaration for a moment and then turned away slightly.

Rae noticed the movement and hurriedly took off her pants and hung them up to dry. Feeling her underwear, she knew they'd have to come off too. But where to put them so they could dry and Finn wouldn't see them?

"Finn, where can I put me undies so you won't see them?"

"Bathroom?"

"What about if you need to go?"

"Um… I'll go outside."

"Don't be stupid. I'll just move them if you need to go yeah?"

"Ok."

Rae walked quickly, afraid that he'd look up, towards the bathroom. She got in there, closed the door and slowly peeled her wet singlet off.

After she had carefully laid everything out, she turned back to the door and realised that she hadn't brought the blanket with her. That was lying on the bed next to Finn.

_Oh well done Rae._

She leaned over the sink and took some deep breaths. She looked in the mirror and turned away before she had any time to think about her reflection.

She opened the door a crack.

"Finn."

"Yeah."

"I left the-"

"Blanket."

He handed the edge of it to her through the tiny crack in the door. And turned to go and sit on the bed. He opened the curtains above the bed. The light was starting to fade and the lightening was spectacular. He leaned back and put a pillow over his lap. He tried not to look as she came out of the bathroom, the blanket draped cumbersomely around her body, her legs poking out to the thigh every time she took a step and the trailing blanket parted. As she sat down her knees poked out and she rearranged the blanket, but as she paid attention to the lower part of the blanket, the blanket fell off one of her shoulders. Finn looked at her bare shoulder and neck. That, coupled with the bare legs was the most of Rae's skin he'd ever seen. He slowly lowered his eyes, closed them and took a silent breath to steady the constant whirring from his guts. Once he'd calmed down he opened his eyes and saw her looking over her bare shoulder at him.

"You don't have to keep your eyes closed anymore, I'm covered just fine now."

He nodded and tried not to notice how touchable and silky the skin on her shoulder looked. He was really glad he'd thought to put the pillow over his crotch, and Rae hadn't seemed to notice.

"Rae you're shaking."

"I'm still pretty cold."

"I'll turn the heater up."

"I've already put it up as high as it goes. I think it's old. It'll take some time to warm up proper."

Finn looked worried for a moment then cocked his head to the side, lifted up the arm closer to her and said;

"Body warmth. No arguments."

_I had to admit that the idea of lying in Finn's arms was really tempting._

_But there were so much between us now._

_It wouldn't be right._

_Oh, and my head's on his chest._

_He's heart's beating pretty fast._

"Good lightening show outside." He said softly.

They watched the lightening in silence. First Rae, and then some time later, after silently watching her sleep, Finn dropped off to sleep.

His stomach grumbling woke him the next morning. He was sweating and hot; the heater had warmed up a lot overnight. He sat up and froze.

There was a break in the clouds, but it was obvious that it would start raining again at any moment. The sun streamed in through the open window and it lit up her bare skin with a golden aura. Her dark brown hair shone around her lovely face and she lay on her side, her arms just under her breasts. His eyes slowly travelled up the shape of her legs as they swelled to her thighs and hips and then the shape of her hips dipping into her waist. He saw his hand reaching out, wanting to rest in that dip above the hips, but he pulled back and let his eyes travel up to her round breasts instead, resting together, her forearm crossing her stomach beneath them. He tried to not let his gaze linger on them. He snapped his eyes away up to her face when he remembered that he promised her that she didn't have to worry, that he wouldn't look if she didn't want him to.

Her face looked peaceful, it was the first time he'd seen it look that way for months. Carefully, slowly, and holding his breath, he reached over her and pulled the blanket over her naked body. She stirred slightly but didn't wake.

He silently got out of the bed, turned the heater to medium, and went to the bathroom, once the door was closed he let himself breath out a shaky breath.

He was just starting to feel as though he had it together when he noticed Rae's white bra, underwear and singlet hung over the shower head.

He took a breath and carefully folded them up and left them on the toilet lid. He didn't know if she'd be angry that he'd touched them, but he needed to use the shower.

He took his clothes off and looked at himself in the mirror while he waited for the shower water to warm up a little.

One in the shower he let the water ease his tension, allowed his body to calm down. He had felt like there was electricity inside of him all night. He grabbed the soap that Archie had thoughtfully supplied and washed himself, feeling the way the soap slid over his body, and noticing that his morning glory erection was going nowhere. He rubbed the soap up his shaft and rinsed it off slowly, images of Rae playing in his mind.

Rain started to pelt the caravan again, and he knew he wasn't going to be walking to Stamford tody.

"I can't sit around with a fucking boner all day." He mumbled to himself as her stroked his cock faster. He tried to not think of Rae naked, mostly because she hadn't known he'd seen her, but he couldn't get the image of her sleeping there, naked, the sun shining on her skin, the softness of her body, the curves, the way her skin looked like the silk, the way her breasts had moved as she breathed, her face. He cried out softly and spurted semen up the wall of the shower. He leaned against the opposite wall, getting his breath back.

"You ok Finn?"

"What?" He called back to her, panicking, he started to wipe the semen from the wall. The water made it filmy on his hands and he swore at it.

"What's going on? Are you hurt?" She was at the door now.

"No. No I'm fine."

"I just thought I heard you cry out."

"Yeah… I uh, I… stubbed my toe. Small fucking bathroom."

"Oh right. Well, I need to use the bathroom. So…"

"Yeah I'll hurry."

"Thanks."

He leaned his head against the shower wall and saw a glob of semen he'd missed.

"Fuck." He breathed to himself as he wiped it from the wall and washed it down the drain.

Rae poured some cereal and took the bowls over to the bed.

"So what are we gonna do today. It's not like we can walk to Stamford in this rain. God, it's like he planned it to be raining."

"Wouldn't surprise me." Finn took a huge mouthful of cereal. He was starving. "Oh my god, this si so good Rae."

"Steady on Finn, it's just cereal."

"I'm starving."

"Should've eaten something last night."

"Couldn't."

"Too angry at Archie?"

_He smiled, but I could tell that he were hiding something._

Finn found himself looking at her more and more. She had her clothes on now, but his eyes found all the places he had seen naked and imagined them without the clothing. He had to keep looking away from her.

"Maybe we could plan revenge on Archie. That'd be a good way to pass the day." She grinned at him, but all he saw was the glow of the sun on her sleeping face, her hair haloed around her head. That body. His eyes dropped to where he knew the dip above her hips was and he felt his head tilting to the side as he considered the way her stomach had curved out from there. He wanted to see her naked again so badly. Wanted to take time to really, really look at her. A few stolen moments that he felt infinitely guilty about were just not enough.

"Finn?" He looked up at her, suddenly aware that he hadn't heard a word she'd said, his mind had been wandering down the path of getting naked with her. Normally he found it very easy to listen to Rae, but after seeing her naked, he was intensely preoccupied with the images in his head.

"Alright Finn?" Her face was a mixture of mild amusement and concern.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Look I know it's shite that you're stuck in here with me, but we can try to maybe have an ok time. There's no books or music or telly or anything, so we just gotta… I dunno…"

"It's not shite." Finn seemed to be getting really antsy.

"You what?"

"I missed you ok?"

"Well you're the one who left." She tried to joke.

"Yeah cos I couldn't stand…" He stopped, his face an anguished sneer of pain.

"Couldn't stand what?"

"Nothing. Don't worry." He'd clammed up. He got up and got a second bowl of cereal. "You want more?"

"No thanks."

His mind moodily wandered over all the sore open wounds in his soul and found a particularly painful one to poke.

"How's Liam?" He asked calmly looking directly at his cereal.

Rae didn't know how to answer. She didn't want to betray Liam's privacy, so she couldn't say he'd been admitted into hospital.

"He's alright. How were Leeds?"

Finn paused, feeling deflated that Rae had deflected his question. He wanted to know if they were still dating. Archie had told him about them showing up to school holding hands. Seemed like they were still together. He turned and leaned on the kitchen side, holding the bowl close to his mouth as he shovelled the cereal in.

"Yeah it's fine, thanks." He answered around his food.

"Glad you moved away?"

"Yeah, of course. There's nothing like earning your own money." He turned away and put the bowl in the sink. He stood for a minute, his insides ablaze before he decided to wash up the bowls. "And there's a lot of fit girls in Leeds too."

_My heart slinked down into the bottom of my feet._

_When I'd gotten out of Kester's office I'd known that I could make that buzzing in me ears go away if only I could talk to Finn. And here I was talking to him, realising that I had always hoped that talking to him would be easy, that it would mean we'd end up shagging somewhere and then being together again._

_But talking to him weren't easy anymore._

_Maybe that's why I needed to talk to Finn. I needed to put this desire in me for him down once and for all._

"Fucked any of them?" She asked in a small voice. Finn leaned his sudsy hands on the edge of the sink and had to not laugh at the fucking irony.

"Oh aye." He said miserably. The truth was he hadn't had sex, or even attempted to have sex since Rae had left him. It had confused Olivia, that every time she tried to start something with him, he'd only get so far before backing out. And the one time he made himself go through with it, he had had erection difficulties and left. Two days later he broke up with her. He hadn't even wanked since Rae had dumped him. Except for this morning. "Yeah I fuck them all." His voice sounded bitter, even to him.

"Right." Her voice stung him. She sound hurt but resigned.

An angry silence filled the caravan. Tears streamed down Rae's face, but Finn had his back to her, hunched over the sink, his hands in hot water scrubbing bowls that were clean a while go.

_I had to know it all. It were the only way I'd be able to make myself move on from him._

"Any special girls in particular?" She asked, her voice cold and mechanical.

Finn could feel everything between them falling away, disappearing. There would be nothing left after this. No coming back from it.

_All he had to do was say yes, and I knew my heart wouldn't be able to take any more pain. Everything between us would be gone. We couldn't just be friends. It was all or nothing for us. And we were rushing towards nothing right now._

Finn didn't reply.

The silence drew out.

"Maybe we should walk to Stamford yeah?" Rae asked, her voice heavy but emotionless. She was drained.

Finn went to the door and peered out. The wind was blowing in all directions, they both only now suddenly noticed the caravan swaying. Sleet and small hail pebbles pelted the ground. Thunder cracked and lightening streaked across the sky.

"Oh fuck I'd forgotten about the storm."

"Me too." Finn said as he closed the door and found he had no more energy for standing. He thudded down onto the bed next to Rae.

"We're not going to be friends after this are we?" Rae's mouth felt dry as she spoke the words.

"I don't think so." Finn agreed, his mouth turned down and he out his head in his hands. Rae stared at the door.

They were silent.

"I reckon they did it last night." Izzy grinned. Chloe was beaming, her colour was a bit better today. Archie sat on the edge of the bed and Chop sat in the chair, Izzy on his lap.

"I thought you were a right twat yester," Chop confessed, "But after me and Izzy talked it out, I realised how right you was to put us together like that."

"Thanks guys." Izzy jumped up and gave Chloe a hug and Archie a kiss on the cheek and then practically dove back into Chop's lap.

"Well like I were saying to Arch, if two people love each other and are meant to be, they'll come back together. But sometimes, there friends have to give them a bit of a nudge. Right?"

"Especially with how self-destructive Rae was being and how miserable Finn was. They're both idiots. We just had to put them together and we both knew they'd sort it out once they were together." Archie added looking pleased with himself. He helped his two best friends; the gang was getting back together.

"D'you see the way Finn was said Rae needed the heater? I bet they went in there and shagged right away."

"Do you think we should go back a day early and get the gang back together for a party?" Chop asked excitedly, his face alight with the possibilities.

"Chloe can't leave the hospital Chop!" Izzy reminded him.

"Oh right."

"I think we should leave them till late on Sunday; they've got plenty of time to make up."

The hours dragged on as they stared out of the windows. Silently. Finn had gone and sat at the table, and Rae had stayed on the bed.

They hadn't spoken again.

Rae did all she could to keep her crying silent.

She hadn't stopped crying since he'd agreed they couldn't be friends, he'd then gotten up, and sat with his back to her.

Gradually Rae became aware of the room again. She heard a hard sniff from Finn and became aware that he was crying too. She stood up and went to him.

"Finn?"

"Just go away Rae. You've taken everything. I'm just nothing, I'm empty. I've got nothing left for you to hurt; nothing left for you to take from me. Just fuck off out of my life." He turned his face away.

_It was too much. I had to get out._

Rae turned from Finn and fled from the caravan. She didn't hear him call after her.

"Rae, what are you doing?"

She ran until her lungs were bursting and then kept running through the trees.

Finn reached the door but couldn't see her. Which way had she gone?

The wet tree branches slapped at her, scratching her face, the sleeve of her shirt got torn and she started to bleed badly from the scratch left there by some brambles she pushed through. She tripped, fell into mud and sat there weeping until her feet made her get up; she had to keep running.

She stopped when she came to a swollen river.

_There still wasn't enough distance between me and Finn. I had to cross it._

Tears streaming down her face, her eyes puffy and red, scratches all over her, torn flesh on her left arm, covered in mud, leaves and branches tangled through her hair, her bare feet cut open and bleeding. She took a deep breath. She knew the river was too swollen. She knew it was dangerous. But she walked to the fast flowing edge. Trees were swaying in the flowing water; it has burst its banks. She put her toes into the icy cold water. It took just a moment for them to become numb. She could feel how hard and fast the current was. If the river was too deep, it would easily sweep her away. She paused.

_Not enough distance between Finn and me._

There was just one thought left; the look of despair on his face.

_Just go away Rae. You've taken everything. I'm just nothing, I'm empty. I've got nothing left for you to hurt; nothing left for you to take from me. Just fuck off out of my life_

Her chest heaved huge shuddering gulps of air as grief and the freezing cold water worked their twin wills on her. She took a step, and then another. And then another.

When the water got to knee deep the numbness and stabbing ice was intense; debris in the water started hitting her legs and she barely felt it. She looked down and saw blood streaming down the river from where her legs and feet.

But it didn't matter. None of that mattered.

_All the noise in my head stopped. There were nothing. Not even a single thought anymore._

_It were utterly silent._

The roar of the river ceased. The world was silent as she took another step. Everything was still.

Rae existed in an utterly still and totally silent world.

Another step. She started to lose her balance as the strong current made her lose her footing.

She was going to fall in. She felt her body beginning to lose the battle with the current.

And then pain from her left arm as a strong hand closed around where she'd cut herself and started to drag her backwards.

A sound penetrated the silence. A crazed screaming, howling on the wind.

She fell backward on top of him at the river's edge, he was till screaming at her.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING RAE?"

"Getting the fuck out of your life." She said softly. But she knew he couldn't hear her in this storm so she screamed it, and all the emotion she felt came with it; "GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE FINN! FUCK YOU!"

She scrambled up and headed back to the river, but Finn grabbed her and pulled her back to the ground, jumping up and pinning her down.

"I didn't mean for you to kill yourself!" He roared at her.

"I'm not trying to kill myself you fucking arse!" She screamed.

"Then what the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm leaving. I thought you'd recognise it, you're such a fucking expert at it." She struggled under him until he let her up and straight away she headed to the river.

"I'm not letting you go that way!" He yelled as he grabbed her again and pushed her away from the edge.

"What the fuck are you doing? You wanted me gone – so why are you stopping me?"

The rain was pelting down on them. Icy hail started to hit them too. They were both soaked, covered in mud and bruises. Feet cut up, and Finn's nose was bleeding from where Rae had accidentally elbowed them in their physical battle.

"Because I fucking love you! Why the fuck do you think you can cut me up so easy? You fucking destroy me Rae, because I love you, with everything in me." He stopped yelling, but she heard the ending of the sentence. Saw him breaking down in front of her. "There's nothing left of me that doesn't belong to you." The last words were almost a whisper and she barely heard them. But then he looked up at her, and a strength came over him, "So get your fucking arse away from that fucking river. NOW!"

He'd kept hold of her arm all the way back to the caravan. By the time they got back to the caravan, to find the door open and rain sweeping in, making the sitting area saturated and shorting the electricity they were bone-chillingly cold; their teeth chattering and their bodies shuddering. Luckily Finn knew how to fix the problem with the electricity; it was just getting his freezing, shivering fingers to co-operate that was the problem. After a few minutes the heater, put up to its highest setting, was starting to warm their hands.

"Go have a hot shower Rae." He said through teeth clenched by cold.

"What about you?"

"I'll be fine."

"No… come with me, we can both get warm in the shower."

"We won't both fit in the shower, it's too small."

"Yeah but if we close up tight, the steam will fill it up and the room will get nice and warm. Come on, I won't look at you naked."

Finn blinked, and looked crestfallen.

"What did I say Finn?"

"Nothing, don't worry." He headed to the bathroom, "Come on then."

The room was actually bigger than they anticipated. Finn sat down on the closed toilet and took his shirt off.

"We'll need to rinse the mud off the clothes." He noted without looking at her.

"Yeah."

Rae peeled her soaking shirt off and hissed with pain as the shirt caught on some brambles still in her skin.

"What is it?"

"I dunno." She gritted her teeth against the pain in her arm, and the pain in her feet as the feeling came back into them with virulent pins and needles. She turned so he could see and he hissed in sympathy.

"Oh fuck Rae." He gently untangled the torn shirt from the brambles jutting out of the fleshy part of her arm.

He started to pull one out and then noticed that his hands were covered in his own blood; he'd been trying to get his nose to stop bleeding.

"Oh shit," he held up his blood covered hand and Rae shrugged." Ok then." He held her arm still with his left hand and with his right, he held the first bramble close to where it entered her flesh. He became acutely aware that his blood was mingling with hers. That part of him would always be inside her now. He felt his left thumb stroke her arm and forced it to stop. As gently as he could he pulled the bramble out. He heard her wince and felt tears sting his eyes.

"Alright girl?" He asked as he saw the tear tracks down her muddy face. She nodded. He took another two brambles out and washed the wound using a hand towel and soap and water. She turned to him and took the towel and wiped his nose.

"Do you think it's broken?"

"No it's not your nose bleeding, there's a scratch under your eye." She cleaned up the wound and then continued to wipe his face clean.

"Leave off." He muttered feeling self-conscious. He looked up at her swollen face. Those tear tracks.

"I'm sorry about what I said." He was almost inaudible.

"You destroy me too Finn. There's nought left of me either." She looked down and saw the scratches on her forearms. He took the towel from her and started to wipe them clean.

"This would be easier if we were in the shower." He smiled with little humour.

"I actually forgot about the shower." Rae shook her head in disbelief.

"But I'm feeling warmer, you were right about this room."

"I read somewhere that just before you were gonna die of exposure, you start to feel warm and peaceful."

"That's comforting." Finn pointed at her foot and patted his knee. She put it up on his knee and the minute he touched he, he motioned for her to put it back on the ground. He stood up and reached around her to turn the shower on. "You're feet are real cold Rae."

"Sorry." She kept her eyes on his face, but he kept his eyes downcast.

"What are you sorry for?"

"Everything."

"Don't be a dickhead."

"I'll try."

"Aren't you supposed to tell me I'm being a dickhead?"

"No. Cos you're not." She peeled her pants off and threw them and her shirt on the floor in the shower. Finn threw his own shirt onto the pile and then his pants. When her singlet came off he looked away.

"How do you want to do this?" His voice cracked with emotion.

"You go first."

"No, I'm worried about your feet."

"Then you better come in with me. There's probably enough room if we squish up."

"Right." Finn kept looking at the wall to the left of Rae's hip. "Underwear on then?"

"If you want." Rae answered as she peeled her bra off. She saw Finn's eyes widen, but stay fixed on the wall. He could see from the corner of his eye what she was doing.

_After what Finn had seen of me today, somehow the thought of being naked in front of him didn't seem like such a big deal. He'd already seen me naked really. I was as naked as I'd ever been at that river. And we'd either leave this caravan on Sunday as lovers, or we'd leave it never seeing each other again. There was too much between us now. There always had been really._

She bent and peeled her underwear off, throwing them on the pile she stood in front of him.

"Ready?"

"I'll just…" He reached down and took his underpants off. "Get these off, then."

The shower was hot, and Rae climbed in first, the water hit her skin like fire and she both hated and loved it. It hurt but it warmed her. Finn climbed in after her. They found that if they put their back to the opposite walls they could just share the shower without touching. They both kept their eyes lowered, looking at a place on the floor or wall.

"How long till the water runs out?" Rae asked.

"Oh, it's connected to the mains, gas heating. We've got hours."

"Lucky."

"Yeah."

They stood there, just warming up.

After a while in silence, Finn reached out for Rae's foot with his own.

"Just checking that they're warming up."

"Thanks." He voice cracked and Finn's eyes flicked up to her face and he saw tears leaking from her eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said instinctively.

"What you said."

"I didn't mean it. I were just hurt."

"Not what you said here Finn. What you said by the river."

"Yeah."

They looked at each other's faces, she opened her mouth as if she would speak, but no words came out.

_I were afraid to ask if he meant it._

_Did he love me?_

_I knew I loved him._

_But with everything that had happened, was that even enough now?_

_I can't ask. What if he didn't mean it?_

Finn saw that fear in her eyes. He reached up and touched her face, ran his thumb under her eye and caught the tear about to fall.

"You nearly died today." He said, and the realisation of that hit him hard, "you nearly died." His voice cracked.

"No Finn, I weren't in any danger."

"You were losing your footing, Rae. One, maybe two more steps and you'd've been washed away. You'd've died. I nearly didn't get there in time."

Suddenly he took her into his arms and fiercely held her to him. He felt her arms around his lower back and held her tighter still.

Then he pulled her away from him so he could look her in the eyes.

"You have to fucking promise me that you'll never do something like that again. Do you understand me Rae?" She nodded.

"I promise." She whispered.

He held her again. She heard his heart thumping in his chest.

"I love you too Finn."

"I know." She looked up at him quizzically.

"I realised when what I said hurt you so badly. I recognised it from how you can hurt me." She smiled tiredly.

"So now what?"

"I don't know. But you were right, we can't leave this caravan being friends."

"No."

When they came out of the shower an hour later the rest of the caravan had warmed up enough. They wrung out their clothes the best they could and hung them up about the place to dry. They were starving; it was 3pm and they hadn't had lunch, so Finn offered to cook up the rest of the bacon. Rae sat on the bed naked, not bothering to cover herself and watched him cooking bacon naked.

"Careful Finn, might get your todger caught in the fry pan." Rae said as he started cooking. Finn turned to her and looked down at his penis and then back up at her.

"I'll be careful."

The mood was almost jovial; for a while.

After they ate they sat together, quietly at first, but then slowly the questions started.

"How many lovers have you had?" Rae asked him.

"Just the one. Stacey. But that were before I even knew you."

"Why did you say you had more?"

"Being a dickhead. I were hurt. How many have you had?"

"One."

"Liam?"

"Yeah."

"You still with him?"

"No."

"Looks like we both made a pretty big mistake with our first one." Finn's voice was soft, his eyes lamenting that it hadn't been her. She saw that look in his eyes.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you say you weren't with him no more when I asked about him?"

Rae's eyes looked off to the side, and Finn could feel her struggling with a decision.

"He's been admitted to the hospital, and I didn't want to say anything about it, cos you know – it's no one's business."

"I understand. You met him in hospital then?"

"No, in group therapy."

"That's where you guys were spending time?"

"Yeah, we only started dating-"

"After I moved to Leeds."

Finn felt the full stupidity of the situation dawning on him.

"So many misconceptions and avoidance and half-truths between us. We could have avoided so much pain if we had just been honest with each other." He saw Rae nodding, "So let's go back to where our troubles started. "What happened that night Rae? The night we were first here?"

"Stacey." He looked quizzically at her, but said nothing. "I saw her naked. I saw that picture of you two together. I saw a picture of us together. You and Stacey looked perfect together. I just looked like… well look at me Finn."

Finn finally looked at her body properly. She was sitting slumped on the bed; it made her belly rolls look larger, her thighs spread on the edge of the bed, she had her arms crossed over her breasts, and she made the effort to uncross them and lay them on her lap, he eyes were red and swollen, there were scratches and bruises on her arms and feet. He took a long time to look at her and then looked her in the eye as she continued talking.

"I didn't want you to see me. It were my first time, and I were scared. Why would you like this body after Stacey's?"

Finn nodded for a moment while he took all of that in, a tear slipped down his cheek as he let all of her shame and emotion wash over him.

"I wanted to see your body so badly that night. I'd had a sneak peek at the pool party and it weren't enough."

"You looked at me at the pool party."

"Yeah. Quite a bit. And getting to see you now is… well I wish it were under better circumstances. I wish were about to make love. But you're just as I imagined you would be – better actually. You're so beautiful, why would you even think that Stacey compares to you? You're so beautiful, Rae."

"You never told me that."

"Yeah well that were my mistake, not a flaw with you." He reached out and touched her face, stroking her hair, "it's a mistake I really regret, and I'm sorry."

"Ok." Her voice was small, and he knew she was hurting. But they both also knew that they had to press on.

"Why didn't you want to be seen with me at college?"

She took a deep breath and looked away, fresh tears erupting from her eyes.

"Was it… was it cos of your body?" She nodded miserably.

"I were embarrassed for you to be seen with me."

Finn was once again flooded with her shame and for the first time his eyes lingered on her scars. There were fresh cuts there.

"When did you start cutting again?"

"After you went to Leeds and I were with Liam."

It felt like a sword had been plunged through his heart. He felt the tears stinging his eyes and lowered his head into his hands.

"Why'd you leave Finn?"

"I couldn't handle not being with you." He didn't raise his face from his hands as he spoke. But a moment later he wiped his nose and eyes with the back of his hands and looked up at her grief struck face.

"Why'd you break up with me?"

"Because you deserve better than me. Because I couldn't be naked in front of you. Because I were scared that eventually you'd realise that I weren't good enough. And then you'd leave me. And I couldn't handle that. So I had to end it before either of us were too emotionally involved."

"It were already far too late for that."

Rae nodded.

"It's funny how the person you love the most is the person that can harm you the most. I'm so sorry Finn."

"I wish you'd just told me what was happening with you. I would have tried to help."

"How? By pretending we didn't know each other at school? That would have just confirmed that I weren't good enough for you. Would you have…?" Painful thoughts battered their way through her mind, "Would you have had sex with me, with my clothes on, so you didn't have to see me naked? That… would have…"

Finn could see that she was struggling to speak, but he didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold her but he didn't think she wanted him to touch her. So instead he looked away to give her time to her own thoughts. After a while he turned back to her and saw that she wasn't struggling as much.

"Alright girl?"

"You know I'm real glad I went out with Liam." Finn felt his insides churn.

"Yeah." He wanted to look away, but there was a venom in her face; the way her mouth was turning down… he had to bear witness to this emotion; he knew it in his guts.

"Because him treating me like I deserve less, made me realise that I deserve more."

"Did he…" Finn swallowed, unable to conceive of how painful this must be for her. "Did he make you leave your clothes on?" Each word became stronger until the last word had obvious menace in it. She nodded and Finn felt his hands curling into tight fists.

"I am going to fuck him up." Each word was cold and defined.

"No don't Finn." But Finn wouldn't look at her and his face was filled with rage and hatred. "He's pretty messed up, you know. And he thinks the same way about himself. He knows that neither of us are oil paintings."

Finn turned his murderous gaze upon her.

"Did he say that to you?" His voice was so dangerous. So calm and steady. It was like listening to a raging inferno comprised entirely from ice. Rae nodded. Finn got up and paced in the tiny caravan. He knew he couldn't punch anything because Archie wouldn't get his security bond back on renting the place. So he just squeezed his fists tighter together and silently promised himself to beat the ever-loving shit out of that utter bastard, the first chance he got. He took some deep breaths and swallowed down the rising bile and hatred; he could do nothing with it now.

Rae watched his chest heaving and knew that it would be a long time before Liam would be safe to be anywhere near Finn.

"Why are you so angry about it?"

"You don't know?"

"What he said – it's true."

Finn started to pace again, his eyes scanning the walls, unable to find something to look at that would make him not punch a hole through the wall. Seeing that pain and defeat on Rae's face made him even more determined to knock some teeth out of Liam's head.

Eventually he calmed enough to speak to her. But his voice was still thick and raw with rage and fury, but as he spoke, he realised that most of it was aimed at himself.

"Any guy…. Who has the privilege of laying down with you… should be counting his lucky stars… and worshiping your. Fucking. Amazing. Body. Rae. He should be making sure you know…" He realised that he had failed his own standards for getting to lay with Rae Earl; "Making sure you know how beautiful you are." He sat beside her, feeling defeated. "I'm sorry I didn't do that. I didn't deserve to lay down with you." He looked at her for a moment and then away, "Deserved it more than that fucking twat though." He snapped to himself moodily.

She put a hand on his leg to comfort him.

"You didn't do anything wrong Finn."

"Yeah I did. That first night that I knew you liked me. And I told you that I liked you. I said I didn't care that you didn't believe me. I were wrong… And I should have spent every day since then proving it to you – proving that I liked you."

"Don't great poets say that you shouldn't have to prove love."

"That's bollocks that is. That's just being fucking lazy. How's a person supposed to know that they're loved unless you fucking make sure they know? Unless you show them?"

"But you did Finn. You did nothing wrong. I were just… I didn't think that you'd like me anymore if you saw all of me."

He turned to her, his eyes lit with a ferocity that caught Rae's breath in her throat and wouldn't let it go.

"I should have made you know that there were nothing you could do, nothing you could say, no way that your body could look that would make me love you less."

He looked away and Rae smiled to herself; his words were comforting.

"What if I murdered a bunch of people?"

"Rae."

"What if I put on 400 stone?"

"Rae."

"No I'm just saying, those are hard words to live by. Better mean them."

"I Do. I love you Rae. And I always will. That's why I can never just be friends with you. I'll never stop loving you. I just-"

She kissed him. He was surprised by the suddenness, but returned the kiss. It was painful to have her lips on his now because there was still no guarantee that this wouldn't be their last kiss.

"You don't have to kiss me cos I'm babbling on about loving you Rae." His voice was soft and vulnerable as she pulled back from him.

"Finn, I'm kissing you to shut you up."

He saw that smile on her face and felt his own mouth turning up into a big stupid grin. He bit his bottom lip and allowed a bit of hope to enter his mind.

"Alright girl." He breathed, a hint of sex on his voice. Her smile changed slightly, and he thought that maybe she reciprocated. She leaned back on the bed, her hands coming up to cross over her stomach. Finn looked at her body momentarily, but understood from the crossed arms that this was not an invitation. He laid down beside her, on his side, his head propped up with his hand and looked at her face as she stared at the roof.

"How can I prove to you that I love you?"

"Shut up Finn."

"No, I'm serious."

"Ok then, how can I prove to you that I love you?"

"Smile at me again like you did after the first time we kissed. Or after you bowled that strike when I'd been trying to tell you how to bowl, or like when we first held hands, or like when I told you that you were always banging on about something, or-"

"Do you remember every time I smiled at you?"

"Dunno. I reckon if I were put to it, probably yeah."

She looked away feeling absurdly pleased. He saw her smiling as she looked away.

"I'll add that smile to my list yeah?"

He laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. They laid like that for a while, silent but smiling.

After a while Rae rolled onto her side and looked at Finn. She hadn't really taken the time to look at him now that they were naked together. He watched her eyes as she took in his whole body. He grinned when she bit her bottom lip.

"Finn… are you getting a stiffy?"

"Yep."

"What? Just from lying there?"

"From the way you're looking at me."

"But… well how is that a reason to get a stiffy?"

"I've spent a lot of time around you in a state of semi or complete erection Rae. Being around you – it does stuff to me, inside and out. It's you Rae, that… makes it happen." He ended hurriedly. Embarrassed at how much he'd said. He could have never imagined that he'd be having a conversation like this. He started to laugh, and to her surprises, Rae felt herself laughing.

"What? What's so funny?' She giggled.

"I went from being so crap at talking that I couldn't tell you I liked you, to lying naked with you talking about the state of my cock. How the fuck did that happen?"

"Yeah well I went from not being able to look in a mirror fully clothed to…" She motioned to her naked body and shook her head in disbelief.

"You know, I'll probably never understand why you hate your body so much Rae. It's fucking brilliant."

"I suppose it'll do. In a pinch."

"No Rae. It's brilliant." He blushed and looked away.

"What you blushing for?"

He looked up at her sheepishly. They'd come this far with honesty, might as well go all the way.

"You can't imagine how many times I've fantasised about your body."

"Oh yeah? Had a bit of a wank to it did you?'' She joked, expecting him to say no, no not that far!

"Plenty of times."

Her face was a picture of mock outrage.

"Finn!"

"I have wanked, thinking about your body, and kissing you, and touching you, and having sex with you, so many times I'm surprised I haven't rubbed me cock off!" He said as he propped himself back onto his side, he said it to try and outrage her further.

"What, in amongst all the Stacey's and the Olivia's?" She said it with a joking voice, but he could see the insecurity behind it. So he decided to tell her the complete truth.

"No, just you. It's been just you for quite a while now."

She looked at his earnest face and giggled, still trying to maintain her outrage.

"Ok and when was the last time you did this Finnley Nelson?" She put on the voice of an unimpressed school mistress. He lowered his eyes and fidgeted with the bed covers for a moment.

"This morning." His voice was almost inaudible and she wasn't sure she'd heard right.

"What?" She asked, the mock outrage giving way to incredulity.

"This morning." He said brazenly, a cheeky grin on his face.

Dawning realisation came to her and she opened her mouth in surprise.

"Not a stubbed toe then?"

"Not a stubbed toe."

He loved the way her laugh sounded as she laid back flat on the bed and let the laughter take her over.

"Did you ever…"

"What?"

"Well… Well girls… masturbate right?"

"Yes Finn. Girls masturbate."

"Did you ever…?" Finn had a shy grin on his face and he nodded his head as if that explained what he meant, he bit his bottom lip again.

"Did I what Finn?" Rae pretended to not understand. He knew she was teasing.

"Did you ever think about me?"

"Well Finn, I think about you all the time. I'm thinking about you right now."

"Rae!"

"Ok. Calm down!" She teased, "I might have, once or maybe even twice, thought about you while I were taking care of me lady bits."

A grin spread over Finn's face and Rae rolled her eyes at him.

"What you looking so proud of?" She hit his arm in mock outrage and felt her face blushing furiously.

"Nothing. Were I any good in your…" He put his face close to hers and said the next two words slowly and sexually, "masturbatory fantasies?"

"Oh, you were ok."

He moved his body closer to her. Still not quite touching and looked at her blushing face.

"What did we do?"

"Finn!"

"What?"

"Ok then - what did we do in your masturbatory fantasies?" She tried turning the tables.

"Better to ask what we didn't do." Rae opened her mouth in exaggerated shock, so Finn continued, "We were right dirty fuckers. And you, were very, very naughty Miss Earl." He saw the red flush of her cheeks, saw her breasts rising and falling rapidly, saw her hands fidget at her sides, saw her toes crunch and un-crunch. She bit her bottom lip.

"So what about you, what did we do when, you were getting yourself off?"

"I'm not sure I had quite as varied fantasies as you Finn!" Rae could barely breathe. The look on his face made it very clear that he was thinking of acting out some of those fantasies right now. And she really hoped he would.

"Ok. Well do you remember the first time I made an appearance in your fantasies?"

"Actually it were a bit of a surprise. I were trying it for the first time…"

"You didn't start wanking till you were 16?" He asked incredulously.

"Do you want to hear it or not Finn?"

"Sorry."

"How old were you?' She asked self-consciously.

"I think I may have been about 4." He started laughing, "No, about 12 or 13 I guess."

"Well I guess it's easier to figure it all out when you've got that thing hanging out all over the place."

"All over the place?"

"Well it's poking me in the side right now so…"

"Oh fuck, I'm sorry." He pulled himself back from her and saw a strand of pre-cum stretch between his cock and her smooth skin.

"Um…" How was he going to explain this to her?

"No it's alright." She smiled cheekily, "it's not like you can help it, what with me around." She joked, alluding to his previous comment about what being around her did to him. "But I would have thought you'd have felt it, you know… pressing into me side."

"Well yeah… I just… I wasn't focussed on it… I were focussed on you. So I didn't really… notice… I mean I did… but not really… and-"

"Finn am I gonna have to kiss you again?"

"I wish you would."

"Well I wish you would."

"But…" Finn wanted to so badly. "But… this is like that time we was in the closet."

"You what?"

"At Chop's sexy party. When we had to go in the closet. I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I had to know what was going on with you." He looked down, as if shamed, "I feel like I'm some greedy bastard or something, but… it's never been enough for me to just kiss you and touch you… I want what's in your head as well. I want all of you. So… I could kiss you Rae, and believe me, I really could, I really want to. And I could make love to you. Or I could fuck you if you'd prefer… but what happens when Archie comes and gets us? Do I go back to Leeds. Is all of this… is all of this the last, dying breath of what we were. What we could have been?"

Linda looked like a woman who was hiding that she was on a mission, a mission to be seen with the baby carriage thrust out ahead of her proudly, Karim walking beside her beaming. She was married to a gorgeous man that loved her, she had a beautiful, healthy baby in her later years, Rae was doing ok, she was off camping with all of her little friends and she had just been told by her boss that when she got off maternity leave, shed be getting a pay-rise. She was a force to be reckoned with. She was a successful wife, mother and career woman. As she walked past the pub she saw Archie exit.

"Oh hi Archie."

Archie saw her happy looking face turn to one of murderous contemplation.

"Aren't you supposed to be camping this weekend Archie?"

"Aaaah…. Yes. We ran out of food. So they sent me to get some."

"From the pub?"

Archie turned and looked at the pub, a guilty look on his face.

"Can I tell you a secret?" He said softly, Linda's stern face softened slightly.

"What is it?"

"I hate camping. I volunteered to get the food so I could get away from it for a bit. But the rest of the gang are bang up for it. So… I kinda have to go along with it."

"No you don't Archie, the next time they suggest camping, you should tell them that it's not your thing!"

"You're right. Thanks! I'll see you late then."

"Bye Archie."

She watched him leave, glad that she had helped him out.

"He's a good lad that one." She said to Karim, "I wonder why our Rae don't date him instead of that Liam boy." Karim smiled sympathetically.

"Maybe it's the first, shuddering breath of something new?"

"Yeah but how do we know Rae?"

"I don't know."

They both looked away, looking somewhere other than each other. Rae picked at the dead cuticles around her nails, her mind racing through everything that had happened since Archie had brought them out here. She didn't know what to say to convince him. But she knew that she had to try.

"I just know that I can't stand the thought of leaving here and never seeing you again. So if we haven't sorted this out when Archie gets here, I don't care if he bangs on the fucking door and curses my fucking name, I'm not leaving. I won't let us leave here knowing that I'd never see-" She sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, tears stinging her eyes. He sat up and was about to touch her when she turned aggressively to him.

"Where's the key Finn?"

"Why?"

"It's dead-bolted, that door, innit?"

"Yeah." Finn said confused.

"That means that if I were to lock it, and then swallow the key, you couldn't get out. And I'd have more time to convince you."

"You're being crazy."

"Oh am I?" She shot up off the bed like a bullet and turned on him, "That's right the crazy girl's being crazy."

"No Rae, I didn't mean it that way."

"Oh yeah? Than how'd you mean it?"

"I meant you don't have to lock me in. If just ask me to stay, I'll stay." All the anger went out of her like the wind from a sail and she looked at him with scepticism and increasing vulnerability.

"What about coming home? To Stamford? If I asked you… would you come home?"

Finn lowered his eyes for a moment, thinking. And Rae felt her insides sink. He was kneeling on the bed, his hands at his side, his head bowed, and she stood opposite him, wanting to plead, but not being able to; she didn't want to make this harder on him than it already was. She felt the tears streaming down her face and was surprised that she had any more tears left.

_I'll always have tears left for him. I'll always have something for him. Love, desire, regret._

He looked up at her. And Rae readied herself for the 'no' she knew she'd hear.

"Yes. Just ask me Rae."

Rae started to cry in earnest now. But she steadied herself and looked him in the eye.

"Please Finn, please come home?" He got off the bed and went to her, holding her in his arms and putting his mouth to her ear.

"Ok." He stroked her, "ok girl." He felt her throw her arms around his waist and found the energy to hold her tighter.

"You'll come back?" He heard her voice, higher-pitched than normal, strained with tears.

"Yeah I'll come back."

"Like now?"

"Well I mean after Archie comes and gets us…"

"But I mean, not in a month or a week?"

"Well I'll have to go back to Leeds to get my stuff… but… that'd only take a day…"

"So you'll come back now?"

"Yeah… now. Of course now." Her body heaved with sobs and he didn't what to do other than hold her and tell her it was ok. It took him a few moments to realise that it was relief that was bringing on these tears. She kept her face buried in his chest for a long time, and he stroked her hair and smelled the skin of her neck, noticed he way their bodies pressed together, tried to ignore the growing need in him. Now is not the time he reminded himself.

"Will you come back to me?" She said quietly.

"I thought that was what you mean when you were asking me to come home Rae. I thought it were a metaphor for us. I were joking when I said I had to go back to Leeds, cos of course it meant now – you're in my arms aren't you? It weren't a metaphor?"

"No." She answered simply looking up at him, "I just meant that you should come back to Stamford. No metaphor. I hadn't hoped that you would want to be with me again. I still don't."

"Rae, think about what I just said." Her swollen eyes widened slightly and colour came into her cheeks, her mouth opened slightly, happy surprise lit up her whole being.

"Really?"

"If you'll have me."

She kissed him. Hard.

Their tongues danced around each other sinuously. Her hands crept up his back to hold him closer and he felt his hands tangling in her hair. He wanted to kiss her all over her body, but he couldn't tear himself away from her lips. He felt he could kiss her mouth for hours. It had been so long since he had kissed her with this feeling in his body. This feeling of untainted hope, love, lust and just unadulterated joy. He ran his hands down her naked body, Rae's skin was as silky soft and smooth as it looked; as he'd always imagined. When he found his hands on her arse he found himself cupping it, squeezing it and then heaving her onto the bed.

Their bodies came together even closer as the weight of his body pressed into her. She opened her thighs and Finn easily sunk into position kneeling between them, their mouths never parting for more than few moments to get a breath or to look at each other breathlessly.

Kneeling between her legs, Finn ran both hands up her body until he felt her breasts, where he sought out her nipples and gently rubbed them until he heard a sigh of pleasure escape her throat.

They stopped kissing for a moment and he stroked her hair as he thrust into her for the first time, slowly and all the way in. She arched her back and a small gasp of delight kissed her lips. He stayed still, as deeply inside of her as he could be and kissed her, all the love her felt for her was screaming for a voice, for expression. He ground his hips into her pelvis, staying deep inside of her as he thrust. He felt as though he'd never been so deeply inside of anyone, and he wanted to be in further. He thrust harder, trying to go deeper, her whole body jolted upward and she gasped louder.

"It's alright?" He asked worried that it had hurt her. He started to come out a little, maybe being so deep wasn't good for her.

"Yes!" She gasped, "Fuck yes!" She wrapped her legs around his waist, "Stay deep." Her words shuddered out of her, but were still a clear command. His thrust were barely movements at all, more attempts to be as deep as possible. He ground his hips into her hard and slow, matching this intensity with his hard, slow kisses.

Rae had never felt anything like it. He felt so deep that she was surprised she couldn't feel the tip of his cock in the back of his throat. And still she wanted him deeper; going through the centre of her. And it wasn't just him penetrating her, she was enveloping him, taking him into her, holding him inside.

Their bodies fell into a rhythm and Rae could feel smouldering electricity shooting through her body emanating from the place they joined together.

Finn felt her body start to shake, saw her head roll back as a groan sounded deep from within her. He sped up and pushed into her deeper and harder, rocking her whole body with each thrust.

Rae heard the groan rising from Finn and turned her face to look at him. She was holding onto his arm with one hand, the nails digging in to him, and with the other she drew his face to hers and kissed him as her orgasm shook through her entire being.

As Rae's body started to really shake and he kissed her, Finn felt his own body shudder and groaned throatily as he came deep inside of her, thrusting harder still.

They lay panting. Finn still inside of her, staring into each other's eyes. Finn stroked her hair and then ran his fingers down her face, his thumb tracing the curve of her smiling mouth.

"You are something else Rae Earl." He said in awe. "I've never…" He stopped and shook his head, embarrassed.

"What?"

"I've never felt this way… I didn't even know feelings like this existed." He kissed her again before gently kneeling and lying down beside her. He draped an arm over her stomach.

"Me too Finn." She began to roll onto her side to face him when the wetness around her vagina and inner thighs drew her attention.

"Jesus Christ!" She sat up and looked at her the wet patch on the bed between her thighs.

"Sorry." Finn looked guilty. "If we face the heater towards it, it'll dry up so I don't have to lie on it tonight."

"How much cum does a guy have? I've never seen anything like it!" She marvelled. "I have to clean up, come shower with me." She jumped off the bed and held her hand out to him. He took her hand and stood up.

"But you've seen something like it before Rae?" Finn didn't want to bring up Liam, but he was worried that his semen was abnormal, or grossed her out.

"No, we used condoms."

A sudden look of horror came over Finn's face.

"Rae are you not on the pill?"

Rae shook her head.

"Oh fuck, how could I be such a twat?" He panicked, "I'm so sorry Rae, I've been so fucking selfish… I… I mean… if you get pregnant, I'll do whatever you need…. Whatever you say." His face was all concern and he took her into his arms, "I'm so sorry I did this to you." She pulled away gently after enjoying his hug for a bit and looked at him lovingly, a smile on her face because she knew what sort of a guy he really was.

"It's ok Finn, I'll just take the morning after pill."

"The what?"

"Morning. After. Pill. As long as I go see me doctor on Monday it'll be fine. I'll just take the pills and it'll all be fine."

"Morning after pill?" Rae nodded and took his hand and led him towards the shower. "I had no idea something like that existed."

"Yep."

"How do you know about it?"

"I have a mate who had to…" Rae hesitated, this wasn't her secret to tell, but she also wanted to be completely open and honest with Finn, "had to have an abortion. I went with her, and the doctor told her that next time she had unprotected sex should just come and get the morning after pill."

Rae turned on the shower and waited for it to warm up. In the silence between them, she saw Finn's brain working over things.

"It were Chloe?" He asked.

"Finn…"

"I know… sorry. It were when you were bailed on going with us to the gig yeah?" She didn't answer but he could tell by the look on her face that he was right. He took Rae into his arms and kissed her.

"I were still selfish, and I'm sorry."

"Why're saying it were selfish?"

"Cos I should've waited till we got back to Stamford and I could get a franger."

"It were my choice too." She said firmly. "No more nonsense from you."

"Yes Ma'am." He joked as his hand fell to her arse. Rae began to giggle as his other hand felt her breast and he buried his face in her neck kissing her with long open mouthed kisses, making shivers run down her spine.

"I am going to kiss you from your head, to every one of your toes Miss Earl."

By the time they had gotten out of the shower the storm had picked up again and lightening could sporadically be seen through all of the windows. Finn looked in the mirror at the scratches he had earned on his back in the shower. It had taken less than a minute of showering together before he was pushing her up against the wall and lifting her leg up.

He had thrust into her hard and deep again. It was like he was incapable of being anything other than as deep as possible in her, but this time he had snaked his hand down her body to her vagina. He laid his hand flat, and with his middle finger he rubbed her clitoris while he fucked her hard and fast against the wall. When she came with loud, throaty screams, she had dug her fingers into his back to stop herself from collapsing – her legs felt like jelly after coming that hard.

"Sorry." She said as she saw him looking.

"Are you fucking joking? I'm gonna find an excuse to get me shirt off at school so everyone can see 'em." He said with a cheeky laugh.

"Do you think they'll let you back in."

"Yeah. Dad'll talk to them. He didn't want me to leave. And he wants me to go to university so, he'll make it happen somehow. Even if I have to repeat the year."

"Then you'll be in second year with me."

"Then it'll be bearable."

She opened the fridge and looked at what food they had. Finn put a hand on her lower back and looked with her.

"There's not much food." Rae lamented.

"I'll make us bangers and mash yeah?"

"Ok. Need any help?"

"No, go sit – your feet are all banged up after… after the river." She saw that the pain of what happened was still between them, so she kissed him.

"I love you Finn. I won't run from you again." He kissed her pulled her closer for a hug.

"Even if you do, I'll just run right after you… can't help myself – you're my girl."

"You didn't the first time though." She regretted those words, but Finn was undaunted.

"No. But that's cos I didn't realise you were running. I thought you didn't love me. Now I know better. And it won't happen again. I'll always be there to save you Rae."

Rae sat on the bed and looked out the window for a bit while Finn busied himself in the kitchen.

_It were nice to just have a minute to get me thoughts together._

_It had been a bit of day. To say the least._

_My insides felt like worms were squirming their way through me intestines._

_He said he'd always be here for me. To save me._

_Makes me think of my favourite Oasis song, that does._

_I can't help looking at him._

_He's just so perfect in every way._

_Fuck me – look at that arse._

_Holy shit – we shagged! Twice! And we still got all night to do it again. And maybe tomorrow too. Depending on when Archie gets here._

_I wonder if I should pretend to be angry with him, or if I should just give him the biggest hug, and Chloe too when I see her. I have 2 of the best mates a girl could ever have. And I have a boyfriend again. A real boyfriend; who loves me._

_And I don't think I've been naked for this long ever in my whole life._

Rae reached out and touched her shirt.

_It were still wet. But only just. Good. I have no intention of putting it back on until I absolutely have to._

Finn grabbed a blanket and put it over the wet patch on the bed and then brought plumped up the pillows and made a little sitting area for him and Rae, who watched him doing all of this with a big grin on her face. She settled comfortably and took the plate of food he offered, they sat looking out the window at the storm, eating dinner.

"What were Leeds like?"

"Lonely."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know… I thought you were telling me that you had no reason to stay. So I let you go. I realise know… that you were asking me – to ask you to stay." Finn nodded sadly.

"It's ok. We both made mistakes."

"Finn. Will you stay with me?"

"What?"

"You wanted me to ask you to stay, and I didn't so… now I am. Stay with me?"

"It's a bit late."

"Yeah well, I'm a bit of a dickhead."

"You know Rae," Finn turned to her, "we can keep thinking of all the fuck ups we made in the past, and hurting ourselves and each other over and over again. Or we can just promise each other right now, to not make those same mistakes again. To learn from them. And to just actually talk to each other about all this stuff."

"I promise."

"I promise too."

"And of course I'll stay with you. As long as you want me."

"What if it's forever?"

"Then it'll be forever." Finn answered without hesitation. "Eat up. Got to keep your strength up Rae." Rae looked at him quizzically and he grinned lustily, "We still got a lot of time before Archie gets here, no parents, no people that might hear us, or barge in asking for red cabbage…" Rae started laughing, "…nothing but you and me. I don't know about you. But I intend to take full advantage of that. Miss. Earl." He took a bite of food without taking his eyes off her, and Rae felt her insides start to squirm again. "Eat up." His voice was smooth and soft and he nodded at her plate of food. Rae picked up her cutlery and started eating.

"Anyway Leeds." Finn said in between bites of food. "It's big. I mostly worked and watched telly. Didn't really have the heart for going out. Sometimes I'd go to the pub and have a few pints, but I'd sit by myself mostly. I didn't really like my job. But it kept me fit, so I can't complain. It were real nice earning money. I saved most of it cos me uncle didn't charge rent or anything. Not sure how I'll go having to ask for permission and money from me dad again. It's alright though. Maybe I'll get a part time job. Plus I think he might be right that I should go to university. He'll be a right smarmy git about it too." Finn joked.

"Parents are always like that when they're right."

"Can I ask… What were it like… I mean… why did you…" He humphed frustrated.

"Liam?"

"Yeah. It's ok if you don't want to talk about it."

"Why did you date Olivia?"

"Trying to prove to myself that I were over you. That I could be just friends with you. I feel bad for her."

"Why didn't you have sex with her?"

"Just couldn't. Kept thinking about you."

Rae took in all of that in took a deep breath. Liam.

"He weren't you." She shrugged when he looked at her confused. "I didn't think I deserved you, and he were about as opposite to you as I could get. I thought we were alike. He's what I thought I deserved." She ate the last of her food and got up to take their plates to the sink. "It were a bad relationship. And he did things to me… that made me feel even more worthless than I already did. The whole world were grey. I mean, all the colours had been getting dimmer and dimmer from the moment I broke up with you. But with him, there weren't really colours anymore. I were numb a lot of the time. Like how I felt when," her fingers traced across the newest scars on her thighs. "I don't know if I were punishing myself for letting you go, or if I were just giving myself exactly what I thought I deserved. Or both. But it were real bad."

"I'm gonna curl him up."

"Not his fault. I did it to myself. Don't get me wrong, he's no prince charming. But… it's not all his fault. It's not like he were Ian, threatening to hurt me if I left. Oh you probably don't know about Ian…"

"No I visited Chloe, I know about Ian."

"Did you visit Kester too?"

"Might have." He smiled, knowing he'd been caught out, "yeah. I did. On Friday, when Archie drove me in from Leeds. We visited Chloe, and then I saw Kester. It was my third visit."

"Can't believe those two planned this! And neither of us noticed!"

"We were both too busy being miserable Rae."

She settled into his arms and traced patterns on his thighs.

"So after university?"

"Some travel… high paying job… kids?" Finn shrugged.

"Kids? If you find the right girl!"

"I've found the right girl."

"What if I don't want children?"

"Then we don't have children. But I'd ask you to reconsider. We'd have to talk about it a bit. But… I'd rather be with you, than have kids without you… so – if you don't want them. Then no kids."

"Ok."

"What about you?"

"Pretty much the same really."

"Well that works out well."

"What will you do at university?"

"Maybe sound engineering or something like that. I'd like to be a radio DJ, maybe."

_We talked for hours, about the future, about what we'd like to do, where we'd like to travel and it never felt strange that we were planning it all out as if we'd definitely spend it all together._

Rae woke up with a start. It was dark in the caravan, and Finn's arms were still around her.

"Oh god, when did I fall asleep?' She muttered to herself.

"Part way through me telling you about football."

"I'm sorry."

"Nah it's alright. It were nice watching you sleep." Rae sat up and stretched before heading to the bathroom, turning on the light as she went. As soon as her back was turned Finn stretched his arms and rapidly clenched and unclenched his fist to get the feeling back in the arm she'd been lying on for the past four hours. He hadn't wanted to move her and had just let his arm go completely numb instead. He was rubbing it when she emerged from the bathroom.

"Did I make your arm go dead?" He nodded sheepishly. She sat on the bed and rubbed his arm for him. "You should have just moved me!"

"Not a chance." He watched her as she focussed intensely on his arm, rubbing the blood back into the limb.

"Listen Rae… all that talk before about…. Masturbatory fantasies got me thinking."

"Right?" She asked suspiciously but a smile started to creep across her face.

"You got any fantasies you want me to help you live out? I mean… if you wanted to dress up or something we can't do that here… but other stuff?"

"I dunno…" She blushed. "I'd like you to go down." She said suddenly.

"Oh don't worry Rae, I'm gonna do that anyway. Often." The tip of his tongue licked his top lip, just in the one spot, barely moving at all. But just the sight of his tongue sent shivers through her. "You got anything else?" His voice was seductive.

"Not right now?"

"Hasn't anyone gone down on you before?"

"No." She looked down at his arm and started rubbing it again.

"That's a crime, that is."

She laughed. But Finn leaned into kiss her. He pulled away slightly and licked her lips with the tip of his tongue. His eyes fucking hers. He kissed her neck, his tongue sliding over her skin, his hands finding her breasts and squeezing them firmly. She groaned and let herself fall back onto the bed. He buried his head in her breasts, kissing and licking them until her nipples so erect they almost hurt. Keeping his hands on her breasts he kissed down her stomach.

Rae felt the anticipation growing as he edged closer to her vagina. He didn't tease, didn't pause, but almost literally dove in as if he had been desperate to taste her. He slid a finger inside of her and licked her clitoris rhythmically, paying close attention to the cues her body and her lusty groans gave him. He slid a second finger inside of her deliciously wet snatch and felt his cock aching to be inside of her. He reached up with his free hand and cupped one of her breasts, rolling her nipple between his fingers. Her groans far too quickly took on a pitch and tone that, he had already learned, meant she was close. He wondered if he should slow down and draw this out, he wanted to stay between her thighs for much longer. But then, he did enjoy making her scream. He sped up his fingering and tongue and felt her fingers find his hair, felt her body start to shake and heard her voice starting to become ragged.

Moments after she'd come, he licked her clitoris again and felt her thighs close around his head. He laughed and looked up at her from between his thighs, his mouth wet, his eyes fucking her again. He slid his fingers out of her and raised them to his mouth, tasting them for her to see.

"You taste fucking amazing Rae." She whimpered in reply. "You gonna let me do that again?"

"Yeah. In a minute though." Her voice croaked because it was sore from how loud she'd called out.

_In my head I saw roosting birds scattering from the tree tops cos of the sound of my orgasm. I had no idea I could cum so hard. I could see my cum shining all over his face. It were so sexy. I wanted to fuck him. Real hard._

Without warning Rae shot up and started kissing Finn, guiding him onto his back, she straddled him. She leaned over and kissed him, rubbing her wet cunt up and down the length of his cock. He groaned appreciatively as she sat up and slid his cock into her. He could see her incredible body riding him, her tits gently bouncing as she ground her hips into him.

Rae saw the way he was looking at her, felt his hands on her hips and grabbed one of them and put it on her breast, squeezing herself through his hand. She raised her hands above her head and threw her head back, fucking him hard and with total abandon.

"Oh my god." Finn was awestruck and so close to coming. "Oh fuck Rae, slow down!" She did, only to flash him eyes that were fucking him, a mouth that curled up into a seductive and slightly dangerous grin, and a woman that wanted him, and had taken him.

"I like it when you take charge." He whispered. She put a hand down on his chest and rode him long and slow. He felt his hands grabbing onto and kneading her arse cheeks. She leaned down and kissed him.

"I want to taste you." Her voice snaked into his ears. It was his turn to whimper, as she slid him out of her and snaked down his body. She took his cock in her hands and lowered her face to it. Before she took it into her mouth, she looked up at him. Staring into his eyes she slid her tongue along the head of his cock. He groaned and put his hand on her face, then tangled it into her hair.

"You don't have to Rae." He didn't want her to think that she owed him for going down on her.

She just smiled and took him into her mouth. His head dropped back onto the pillow and he groaned loudly.

Rae took great pleasure in that groan. She cupped his balls with one hand and used her other hand and mouth, to move up and down his shaft, taking him in as deep as she could. Sometimes she would stop and lick the head, or lick his balls. Sometimes he would be watching her and she'd look back at him, letting him know how much she enjoyed this. And sometimes his head had lolled back so far she couldn't see his face at all. And always his fingers were tangled in her hair. It didn't take long before his groaning increased in intensity.

"I'm gonna come Rae, just use your hand now." He said with urgency. But she kept her mouth over the head of his cock, feeling his hot semen spurt into her mouth only moments later.

"Oh fuck! Oh shit!" He exclaimed as he came, watching her mouth fill with his come. "Oh my god Rae. Remind me to go down on you every fucking day!" He saw his come in her mouth, on her face. It was quite sexy. She swallowed and smiled at him.

"I told you I wanted to taste you."

"Yeah but girls don't like it."

"Yeah but I wanted to taste you. You tasted my cum." She shrugged to his bewildered look. He looked at her for a moment longer, before concern came to his face;

"Do you want a drink or something?"

She laughed and wiped her hand across her face.

"Ok, yeah maybe!"

Less than an hour later Rae was crawling on top of Finn again. She wanted to give herself an orgasm while riding him, so she reached down and masturbated while grinding her hips into him. Finn spent most of the time trying to think about his times tables, football statistics, open heart surgery, anything! Because Rae Earl riding him like a bucking stallion and masturbating on top of him was just too fucking much.

They'd fallen asleep in a happy, messy heap not long after he came, his fingers digging into her hips.

It was the sun streaming in the next morning that had woken them both up.

"Storm's over." Rae said sleepily. Finn grunted his agreement and gently stroked her hair.

Rae loved feeling his hands on her body, his hands stroking her hair, his arms holding her to him.

A warm shower woke them both up, as did the wonderful shag in the shower they enjoyed.

"I think my dick's gonna fall off!" Finn joked as he ate his cereal in the sun. He'd set up the picnic table that came with the caravan outside, in the sun, and they sat there watching the birds fly around, completely naked.

"My clacker is gonna go numb if we're not careful. I've probably got bruise from that brute of a cock of yours!" Rae agreed.

"But when we go back to Stamford…"

"We won't be able to so often." Rae sounded as disappointed as Finn felt.

"It's alright, when we move in together, everything will be different." Finn observed.

"Listen Finn…. Last night, you asked me about a fantasy. What about you? You got any you want to live out with me?"

"Oh fuck… way too many to do today! And some of them require props… and food… and lubrication." Rae raised her eyebrows at him and he gave her a cheeky grin.

"You're a kinky fucker, Finn Nelson."

"I had you in my imagination for way too long." He agreed.

"It's alright, I'm up for it. So… give me one of your fantasies, one that we can do here, and we'll try getting it done before Archie gets here."

"Here's a nice easy one. I'd like bend you over and fuck you and smack that arse a bit too."

"Oh this arse?" Rae asked as she stood up and turned her arse towards him.

"Yeah that arse." He grabbed her hips and stood up behind her, his erection rubbing between her arse cheeks. She bent down in front of him putting her elbows on the table. Finn enjoyed the way the sun shone on her skin and he looked around just to make sure no one was about.

"Oh my word Miss Earl; you are a naughty girl."

"Oh no." She said, looking over her shoulder and pretending to be admonished, "What are you gonna with me?" He let his hand hit her left arse cheek. Softly at first, testing the waters. He smacked her right cheek quite a bit harder.

"Ooh." Rae said, her voice not pretending now, "that's actually pretty nice." Finn bit his bottom lip and spanked her several more times, enjoying the way she moaned for him; her cheeks were already getting a little pink, and that was enough for him; he didn't want to actually hurt her, not even a little bit. He slid into her from behind and moved his hands into the dip above her hips. He remembered seeing her lying naked in the sun yesterday morning and longing to touch that part of her. He held her firmly by the waist and thrust quite hard and fast. Rae held onto the table and grunted and groaned with pleasure as he fucked her very hard indeed. She came, groaning and swearing loudly;

"Fuck me Finn! FUCK!" But Finn slowed down and then withdrew, turned her around and sat her on the edge of the table, he kissed her passionately before he lifted up one of her legs and slid into her again. The table wobbled around as Finn thrust into her hard and fast, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I love you Rae." He said as he came, she put her arms around his neck and told him how much she loved him as he shuddered and emptied himself into herm, his breath coming in ragged gasps, sweat dripping from his brow his hands pressed into the small of her back to draw her closer. When he was finished he kissed her with a sweet ache and longing that made Rae want to cry.

"What's wrong?" She asked and held his unhappy face in her hands. He was still inside her, spent but still potent.

"I gotta go back to Leeds tonight. And I don't want to, I want to spend it with you. What if I wake up and it were all a dream. Or you change your mind when you get back to Stamford, or there's an accident and you die, or… what if I wake up in the middle of the night alone again?" She kissed him gently, and kept his face held in her hands.

"Well, I'm not gonna change my mind, I can promise you that. I don't think I'll have an accident and die, but there's nothing I can do about that so, I'm sorry, but you can't worry about it. If you wake up in the middle of the night in Leeds tonight – you can call me. And once you're Stamford, you can just come visit me if you wake up. And this isn't dream Finn… d'you think you'd dream about what happened by the river."

"In my nightmares of losing you."

"It's not gonna happen Finn. Ok?"

"Ok." He nodded and kissed her.

They went inside and showered, making love in the shower, slowly and with great reverence for each other.

Archie pulled up to the caravan. It was rocking. He got out of the car and sat on the bonnet, watching the caravan rocking and shaking his head.

Half an hour later Rae and Finn came out of the caravan. Their hair wet, both hobbling and carrying their shoes in their hands. Rae's shirt was torn at the arm and there were obvious scratches under the tear. Both of them had scratches on their face, Finn even had a slight blackening of his right eye above a scratch on his cheek that looked painful. Rae's feet were quite badly torn up and Finn seemed to have some scratches on his feet too. They both walked s if they had been horse-riding for 72 hours straight. They both looked utterly exhausted, but they were holding hands.

"The fuck happened to you two?" Archie asked, very shocked at their appearance. They looked at each other and then back at Archie. Rae shrugged.

"Rough sex."

"Yeah it were pretty kinky." Finn backed her up. They went up to Archie and gave him a big hug. Archie put an arm around each of them.

"Thanks Arch." Rae Said emotionally.

"Alright." He said feeling pretty pleased with himself, he pulled back from the hug but Finn held him tighter.

"No Archie. Thank you." He said, "thank you. But you're fucking early."

"Yeah, I heard it on the news that the bridge were out and they were expecting the waters to keep rising, they're expecting quite a few bridges to be flooded by 2 o'clock. A couple of people have died, been swept away. National tragedy they're calling it."

"We better get going then." Rae said as Finn turned and looked at her, remembered fear and panic in his eyes. He went to her and held her tight.

"You got everything?" Archie asked.

Driving back, they went over the swollen river on one of the last bridges still open, and the water was kissing the bottom of this high bridge.

"Oh my god." Rae breathed as she saw the rapids moving cars along in its destructive path; she saw one pass right under the bridge. "How the hell did that not flood our caravan?"

"There's a flood warning in the area, more rain this afternoon, it'll probably be underwater by tomorrow." Archie told them.

Finn hadn't stopped holding her protectively since he'd heard about the flood waters rising so high and she was glad of his arms. He had been right. She'd nearly died yesterday.

_I felt like I were one of them bloody birds, you know the ones that die and are reborn from their ashes._

_That were me._

_That were me and Finn._


End file.
